The Apology You Won’t Read…

From this morning’s DAILY FICTION newspaper

In common with every other national newspaper, we at the Daily Fiction have assumed that West Ham United were destined for relegation this season. Phrases like “Hammers doomed” and “Clueless Zola” have all too readily appeared on our back pages. Our star columnist wrote that “Carlton Cole couldn’t hit a barn door” and that Valon Behrami “resembles a bull in a china shop without the china”. Our Business Editor described West Ham’s finances as resembling “Reykjavik in the East End” under the headline “Bjorgulfor a Burton”. Our Football editor wrote that “West Ham will be lucky to raise two shekels short of a groat” during this transfer window and that “the only signing West Ham will be making will be changing the sign over the chairman’s office door”.

In light of recent events we would like to clarify our position and explain that what we really meant was that West Ham have a Board which has kept its promises to its supporters, has rectified the profligacy of the Magnussen/Curbishley regime, instituted a properly thought out transfer policy, cut its debts in half, have a manager who believes in playing the West Ham way, have an assistant manager who is a tactical genius, has employed a set of players who are committed to the club and understand what it means to pull on their claret and blue shirts and which has a team which is now unbeaten in eight matches and is pushing for a place in Europe.

We apologise for giving any other impression and in future promise to reflect facts rather than spiteful insinuation.


69 Responses to The Apology You Won’t Read…

  1. NJ Hammer says:


  2. Auzhammer says:

    This genius group of management would have got 15 mil for that injury prone dead head. This Weat ham united. This team. This HAMMERS

  3. Oslo says:

    And Iceland will rise again!

  4. bazzahammer says:

    ha, let’s stuff everyone else by puttin man utd to the sword!

  5. brookingsbonce says:

    Funniest thing i’ve read all day, yet oh so true šŸ™‚

  6. ironsmith says:


  7. Stelios J says:

    Nice one Iain; I’m sure you’ll agree that we shpuld also look at the rabid political rantings of the ‘Daily Fiction’ and treat them with equal disdain and a similar pillar of salt
    St. J

  8. Biffo the bear says:

    I hope everyone can treat their front pages with as much contempt as their back pages deserve

  9. sremmah says:

    Very good yet unfortunately very true! Now I’d love to rub The Fiction’s nose in it by beating Man U this week.

    Go the Zola revolution….COYI

  10. chris says:

    Correct Iain!!

  11. Dan M says:

    But of course they can still append any report on West Ham with “… who will soon have to pay Sheffield United Ā£50m compensation”. If we won the league (yea, I know) we’d still be the “cash-strapped crisis club”.

  12. Auckland Hammer says:

    Well said ! Now here’s to ending uniteds 12 clean sheets in a row – Savio come on you good thing !!! Cole hat trick – Behrami to upset uniteds midfield – COYI

  13. Graybo says:

    Dear Sir,

    As a devoted Daily Fiction reader I would like to complain about the article appearing on your blig today (whatever a blig is).

    Not once did you comment on the nationality of any of your players. Those foreign players… they come over here, take our jobs, chat up our women, and then go and do the unthinkable, and play in Europe. What do you think you are doing, West Ham? Fraternising with the enemy and playing football with Johnny Foreigner! That’s what you’re doing. Shame on you.

    Miffed of Morden

  14. Richard says:

    Great article. It sums the paper up in one. Daily fiction should be the new title for its readers.

  15. Stig says:

    Yep – very funny…

    But I still worry about the Tevez compensation and further action by FA/EPL. Also we could still go into administration and get docked 11 points.

    Having said that we don’t seem to be acting as a club with great financial woes so just maybe socmething has been sorted out behind the scenes. I really hope so…

    Trouble is – I still don’t trust Mr Duxbury.

  16. Behrami army says:

    Thank gord that god forsaken transfer window is closed.
    and we only lost an arrogant mouthy welsh tosser and a few squadies.
    P.S any of you fine HAMMERS out there know the words to that rather fine song doing the rounds at the new library on saturday.

  17. Roy says:

    Iain, you forgot “the entire West Ham team are up for sale”. Due to the way the press have reported all things West Ham over the last two years I now question ANY news reports – politics, finance, current affairs. It’s too easy for them to invent stories when the news cupboard is bare. In this day and age surely the Hammers could have sued the bollox off every national paper for defamation of character?

  18. mike says:

    Genius You are a star You have succinctly summed up all our misgivings about the Daily Trash

  19. Swazihammer says:

    Richard got it right, Should be Daily Fiction or even better Daily Tossers.
    Keep up the good work Iain

  20. Paul B says:

    Spot on

  21. Roshi says:


  22. Goatygav says:

    Snowball’s chance in hell of any kind of apology coming from that lot. I guess the closest we’ll get to any form of admission is if they don’t comment on us at all. No news is good news as far as they’re concerned.

    Haven’t bought a daily Tabloid for over 11 years.

  23. Paul M says:

    Spot on Ian and Goatygav. Best thing is not to by a tabloid – AT ALL. Even the ‘other’ news in these rags is better fiction than Harry Potter.

  24. redkipper says:

    What’s sad is the fact that these rags are read or looked at by so many people.

    Once the Tevez saga is over then we can relax.

    One thing is for sure is that most of us know that in Zola & Clarke we have a managment team in which we can be proud.

  25. Sean says:

    Yes doesn’t it feel good – firesale – I don’t think so. Just a very well planned out strategy of reducing the wage bill. On the downside the Bellers situation leaves a sour taste but if we were to do anything with the money you have to fancy this boy is good news – and don’t you just trust Zola’s judgement.

  26. alan curbishley says:

    Miffed of Morden, so you support a team with no Foreign players in do you ? wake up mate its 2009 not 1960 .

  27. Hommer Hammer says:

    It would be great if the Hammers were to take out an advertising campaign in this newspaper.
    This would make the commercial side of the paper GAG the muppets in the sports section, then we might get some truth about the Irons instead of spiteful Jackanory stories!

  28. BAC says:

    Apologies and retractions don’t sell newspapers, which is why, on those rare occasions they are made, they generally occupy a couple of column inches tucked away under an anonymous cross heading at the foot of an inside page. The Daily Fiction would be more likely to run a story like :-

    “Desperate Hammers in Denial – cash strapped West Ham sink further into the financial mire in a last ditch attempt to convince creditors and potential buyers that the Icelandic owned business remains viable. The reckless gamble of refusing to cash in on their best players, and in actually buying new players, leaves the club’s finances tens of millions of pounds worse off than they might have been. Sources warn that the entire club, staff, players’ contracts and ground might have to be auctioned off on Ebay as soon as the season ends, or when Sheffield United are awarded their richly deserved Ā£150 million compensation, whichever occurs the sooner.”

    Or some such tripe.

  29. Vingt-deux says:

    Other unbeleivable headlines in the Daily Fiction!

    “LBM makes Hammer of the Year”
    (If Zola does that he replaces Di Canio as god)

    “Rob Green Starts for England”
    “Behrami Has a Breather”
    “West Ham Sign Off The Season With a Parker Pen!” šŸ™‚

    and the biggest bit of fiction

    “Faubert Signs for Real!”

  30. Roymondo says:

    It’s not just the ” all the squad is up for sale” rubbish that they harped on about. It’s also the lack of recognition of our performances over the past few weeks. Some of the press have grudgingly acknowledged our 8-match unbeaten run even though, in their expert opinions, we were relegation fodder just a while ago. Our form has been good for quite a time now. It’s actually only two defeats in 12 in the league and just 2 in 14 if you include the Cup games.

  31. matta says:

    Excellent Iain. Whilst not agreeing with your politics you do have the wit and sense of irony that will make a good MP. Good Luck!!!

    Is it only a few weeks a go that the mirror, one of the daily fiction’s titles, had a RIP Cross on the coveted turf of Upton Park.

  32. Ray Moore says:

    Great post Iain, most of the papers are full of Sh*t then when they get it right they make out that they knew that was how it was going to happen all along.

  33. David Swanborough says:

    Well, well. We didn’t see West Ham come down with the Christmas decorations and we didn’t see the ‘predicted’ fire sale of the entire squad.
    I wonder what slant the tabs will take on the ones who have gone or are out on loan –
    ‘First team Hammered as 10 players are axed!’
    ’10 go in transfer window – more to go in the summer!’
    ‘Hammers admit to a massive summer exidus and it’ll be bring your boots time for the fans’
    or even….
    ‘The prospect of financial ruin brings merger with Sheffield United a step closer’
    ‘NCP eye up The Boleyn’

    Mind you, given the financial state of a lot of papers perhaps we’ll see some mergers there and the all new ‘Daily Fact & Fiction’ with it’s moto ….we guarantee to get things half right – ALL THE TIME’

  34. Keith Holland says:

    nice piece of irony – unfortunately the tabloids seem to think we are grist for their mill. Todays Daily Expiress tells a STORY (for sure) that Chelsea have a plan to buy out Zola/Clarke if Scolari fails. Complete with price involved – which naturally their reporter would have got from an official CFC source.

  35. West_Ham says:

    Does anyone else think that the Daily Fiction is partly responsible for stats like this:

    (these are official stats and not made up by The Sun)

  36. Roshi says:

    West_Ham, what a strange survey and what a waste of time, The Sun editor needs shooting for wasting company resources in researching this.

  37. SJ Chandos says:

    Don’t hold your breadth, the Tabs do not have the dignity to apologise or admit they were wrong. They will just regroup and find another angle, whether itis Chelski poaching Zola/Clarke or the Tevez farce. The MOTD team are also very embarrassed by West Ham’s renaissance, hence the awkward silence on recent programmes!

  38. Roshi says:

    Is it me or has Faubert been smoking a bit more than Marlboro full strength.
    The Real Madrid thing has gone to his head and given him such illusions of grandeur that I wonder what we have missed, do Real Madrid know something we don’t, has Faubert been sandbagging his performances to get a transfer. Was this deal decided between the player and Madrid prior to the season starting, is this why we have been watching a player of such repute play like a complete twazzok this year.
    Wheels within wheels, nothing would surprise me, but he seems very assured about his forthcoming Real Madrid career and is saying all the right things to all the right people as if he has been rehearsed to the point of being more perfect than a Lewis Hamilton press conference.
    I look forward to watching his Madrid performances with interest…so should our management, because this is the one deal that I think we have been shafted in.

  39. SJ Chandos says:

    On another issue, I saw the Leeds Utd programme in the series ‘Days of Our Life’ yesterday evening. The programme was characterised by the fact that the talk was almostly exclusively about kicking players and employing dubious tactics!

    Those of us old enough, will know that the Leeds teams of the late 1960s and early 1970s were contra-football in many ways. They symbolised everything wrong about the game. I well remember Greenwood’s teams being kicked out of games in that period. Not just by Leeds, but also by other teams like Chelsea and Man Utd. Indeed, it should be the cause of much pride that the Hammers continued to try and play football throughout that dark period!

    It was the era of Chopper Harris, Tommy Smith, Billy Bremner, Jim Holton, et al. Who remembers one particular challenge by Harris on little Johnny Ayris. It resulted in Ayris suffering broken ribs and a punctured lung. Yeah,’days of our life’ – right!

    For those that do not know, they are featuring the 1985/86 Hammers team in March, with Cottee, McAvennie and Gale.

  40. whatever says:

    What a bunch of paranoid pillocks you all are. This West Ham fan couldn’t care less what the press say or write. This West Ham fan is bemused as to why if you don’t like the papers do you all insist on reading them!! This West Ham fan NEVER reads newspaper.This West Ham fan has no need for a ridiculous persecution complex which makes us look like the uneducated, fat, balding, middle aged, Sun reading, cabbie halfwits West Ham fans are stereotyped as. This West Ham fan supports the team only and as such will not be a cheerleader for dodgy, skint chairmen with convictions for fraud. This West Ham fan still wants a change of board regardless. This West Ham fan is bored witless by blogs full of the same cretins that listen to and phone into talksport (other moronic radio stations may be available). This West Ham fan has left the building (in search of somewhere where they can spell).

  41. Musgrove's Boot says:

    Too true!
    In a similar vein I felt sorry for Arsene & co being last match on MoTD. Gary did manage to say that we had taken a good point but before the three of them had waxed lyrical, and at some length, about the managerial achievements this season of Messrs Hodgson and Bruce. Clearly our top duo don’t warrant a mention in that company.

  42. Goatygav says:

    Some positive press for West Ham in the Evening Standard here . Not so good for Julien Faubert though. Seems like he’s gone down like a lead brick there.

  43. tmay99 says:

    This West Ham fan has left the building (in search of somewhere where they can spell).

    Good, f*ck off you idiot… obviously a bitter spuddie!

  44. Roshi says:

    As your name suggests yer! “Whatever” by telling us what you don’t do, you have told us of your inability for constructive comment.
    If you’ve left the building you are in, I hope you find the one with men in white coats soon.

  45. GHammer says:

    Great Post Iain – bang on what was in my head.

    Seems a few journo’s are being supportive. nice piece in the Mirror for a change.

    P.S. Can “Whatevere” disappear onto another rant blog – you are singing on your own.

  46. Goatygav says:

    Lol! Thought it was Chelsea fans who were fat balding cabbies?

  47. Goatygav says:

    Whatever – you don’t care so much that you write a lengthy rant about why you don’t care? Says more about you than us matey!

  48. Paul M says:

    ‘whatever’ why moan about morons on this blog? If that is truly the case you have indeed labelled yourself a moron by visiting this blog in the 1st place!!!!
    You get the prize of plum of the week mate, are you really a sad spud?

    rant over, Iain can you kindly block this idiot from the site as he has upset us all now, and I’m afraid we will all stop visiting and posting on here – NOT

  49. SJ Chandos says:

    Check out Dan Silver’s peice in today’s Daily Mirror. See quote below:

    ‘And on the subject of West Ham United, Iā€™d like to take this opportunity to congratulate them on their conduct during what was billed as one of the most important months in the club’s history.

    I lost count of the number of supposedly well-informed pieces written at the tale end of year prophesising an East End fire sale.

    Everyone from Rob Green to Matthew Upson to Scott Parker to Doris the Tea Lady was tipped to leave Upton Park in January, to be replaced by some cloggers picked up from Hackney Marshes, a couple of bailiffs and an electric teasmaid.’

    This guy has written some good peices or Sheffield Utd and the Tevez affair as well.

  50. DevoDevo says:

    Just about to post that myself, SJ.

    I’ve also posted a comment on the Daily Fail’s round up of the window deals and where it leaves each club. šŸ˜‰

  51. SJ Chandos says:

    Spell, and presumably, teach him to write in coherant, non-repetitive sentances. Could this be a tabloid hack in disguise? The post seems a little too contrived to be real!

  52. 10no6 says:

    Hey “whatever” thought you would call yourself sunshine as you are so cheery,you jackass. p.s. Your spelling isn’t bad, though not great and your grammar is woeful.

  53. budgie says:

    SJ As my name here suggests I am certainly old enough to remember Chopper Harris effectively ending Johnny Ayris’ career. As for Leeds I also still remember with pleasure the seven goals we put past Sprake, Bremner Giles and Charlton on a Monday night in the League Cup with my hero Johnny “Budgie” Byrne pulling the strings

    You are right about them being anti football. I also think Harry Catterick’s championship winning Everton and the Man City of Marsh and Lee took gamesmanship to a new level.

  54. djclipz says:

    a slight change of topic. but…,16368,1808_4891157,00.html

    Some 20yr keeper on loan!!??

  55. Roymondo says:

    Rob Green must feel like the odd one out in goalkeeper training sessions with all the others, plus the coach, being eastern Europeans.

  56. DevoDevo says:

    I’m gonna have a guess here, but if we have another keeper on loan, perhaps Zola is thinking of sending Stech on loan somewhere for some experience?

  57. Ian Bishop's socks says:

    Iain, you yourself have been in a fine run of form recently. This is the funniest thing I’ve read in ages and you have such a knack of summing up everyone’s feelings. The tide has turned!

  58. E1 says:

    Another young keeper, if green was to get injured we don’t have much in the way of experience to take his place. Still Great post Iain, I think sunday will be the end of man u’s clean sheet’s we may even dirty their winning run with a draw. PROJECT FOOTBALL ROLLS ON !!
    Whatever will be will be we’re going to wembley COYI !!

  59. brayhammer says:

    Great post Iain . . hate all the press and couldnt be arsed what they are saying . . .very funny article!! COYI

  60. the headmaster says:

    What an entertaining string of posts this has been! Top dollar and even infiltrated by some plank claiming that the standard of the English language used on here is poor. In my humble, you’d actually go quite a long way to find a better written (and responded to) blog. The standard of debate is usually pretty high it seems to me.
    Great article Iain, tho I can’t agree with those who describe it as ‘funny’ or ‘amusing’. It is far too painfully accurate to be those.

  61. Tony Titan says:

    Extracted from BBC Website re West Ham transfer window activity “What happened: After the apocalyptic predictions from many at the start of the window, January turned out to be a success for the Hammers. Bellamy was the only big-money departure, to Manchester City, while the Hammers were content to see the likes of Lee Bowyer and Matthew Etherington leave. Highly-rated 19-year-old forward Savio Nsereko arrived from Brescia for an initial Ā£5.5m, while midfielder Radoslav Kovac joined on loan from Spartak Moscow”

    It really couldnt be much better – Unless of course we can just catch the Europe Ferry at the end of the season – Which will probably be the subject of the next apology in the Daily Ransid ?

  62. DevoDevo says:

    No sign of my post on Sportsfail’s report yet! šŸ˜€

  63. Upton Spark says:

    On top of all the newspapers constantly knocking our club,it has also been evident that the so called expert pundits and the like seem to take their turn in having a go or not showing any interest in the Hammers.
    Matt La Tissia (not sure of spelling)often gives us low marks or bad oppinions on how well we are playing and very rarely says we are going to do well.
    Match of the Day panellists are well known for having a dig at West Ham and sometimes just choose to ignore us.
    Last Sunday the Sunday Mirror gave a report on the Arsenal v West Ham game and spoke for nearly 2 pages on how Aresnal had played and vertually ignored the fact that there were 2 teams playing as we barely got a word said of how we played.

  64. SJ Chandos says:

    Yeah budgie, and another infamous hatchman, Spur’s Maurice Norman, also inflicted a major injury on Byrne. Johnny Byrne was a wonderful player, the English Di Stefano. I think that I saw him play in my first season (1967/68), just before he left. However, I was young and I do not clearly remember him.

    You are very lucky to have seen such a player in his prime and, I am told, that he had few better games than his destruction of Leeds that November night in 1966. You are doubly lucky to have seen the Byrne-Hurst partnership, one of the very best ever seen in English football.

    As a post-script, I later saw Byrne appear briefly in Wally St Pier’s testimonial in 1975, when the 1964/65 team played the FA cup winning team of that year. He was very unfit by then, and it was only a cameo appearance, but he got a great reception. We cherish our memories of the Hammer greats at Upton Park.

  65. SJ Chandos says:

    The other great partnership that I missed, this time it was literally ‘before my time,’ was Vic Keeble and John Dick. They blazed a trail through the old 2nd Division and effortless made the transition to Divison 1, without losing potency, when we were promoted in 1957/58.

    It was really sad that Keeble suffered an injury soon after that effectively finished his career. I think that John Dick continued on in to the beginning of the Greenwood era, before making way for Hurst. Wonderful, wonderful players and both true West Ham legends!

  66. lesfriendly says:

    true true. i dont actually agree, but i can see your point

  67. tsujhanna says:

    that’s true…!!

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