From this morning’s DAILY FICTION newspaper
In common with every other national newspaper, we at the Daily Fiction have assumed that West Ham United were destined for relegation this season. Phrases like “Hammers doomed” and “Clueless Zola” have all too readily appeared on our back pages. Our star columnist wrote that “Carlton Cole couldn’t hit a barn door” and that Valon Behrami “resembles a bull in a china shop without the china”. Our Business Editor described West Ham’s finances as resembling “Reykjavik in the East End” under the headline “Bjorgulfor a Burton”. Our Football editor wrote that “West Ham will be lucky to raise two shekels short of a groat” during this transfer window and that “the only signing West Ham will be making will be changing the sign over the chairman’s office door”.
In light of recent events we would like to clarify our position and explain that what we really meant was that West Ham have a Board which has kept its promises to its supporters, has rectified the profligacy of the Magnussen/Curbishley regime, instituted a properly thought out transfer policy, cut its debts in half, have a manager who believes in playing the West Ham way, have an assistant manager who is a tactical genius, has employed a set of players who are committed to the club and understand what it means to pull on their claret and blue shirts and which has a team which is now unbeaten in eight matches and is pushing for a place in Europe.
We apologise for giving any other impression and in future promise to reflect facts rather than spiteful insinuation.