Peter Mandelson Should be West Ham’s Inspiration!

Picture the scene. My plane lands at Washington. I’m tired and irritable after seemingly endless queues at Heathrow and then an 8 hour flight in which I couldn’t listen to my iPod because I had lost it. I finally get a signal on my Blackberry while standing up in one of those terrible buses on stilts which Washington airport uses. The emails alerts start coming through thick and fast. I whisper a quiet “fuck me gently” to myself as I see the score. Not exactly the thing to perk me up and rid me of jetlag.

It’s now Sunday morning in Washington and I have just listended to Curbishley’s Match of the Day interview. If I wasn;t already convinced that he isn;t the manager for us, that interview did it. He said at the end “I haven’t enjoyed a single minute of this job, not a single minute.” Well fuck right off then. What we need is someone who can motivate not just the players but the fans too. At least Pardew did the latter, if not the former.

I can see no way out for us now. We have a bunch of players who are not playing for each other. I’m reading a season diary by Iwan Roberts, the former Norwich striker at the moment. A very good way of wiling away 8 hours on a plane. He describes the team spirit in the Norwich team in their championship winning season of 2003-4. That’s what we need now. Trouble is we have too many big time Charlies.

On the West Ham mailing list someone has identified 18 players who they reckon will be off if we go down. Half of them I’d happily despatch. We now need to build a time of fighters. I never thought I would write about Peter Mandelson on this blog, but do you remember his 2001 victory speech on General Election night when he screamed (in more ways than one) “I’m a fighter, not a quitter”. Well we need a few of those now, and there don’t seem to be many around.

Charlton Preview

When the Hammers are playing Charlton this afternon I am afraid I shall be a couple of thousand miles away, flying over the Atlantic as I am spending a week in Washington DC. So you can imagine how frantic I will be as when we land to get my Blackberry working! I doubt whether the pilot will keep me informed of the score, especially as I’m languishing in the cheap seats.

I’ll avoid all the ‘six pointer’ cliches, but no player on either side can be unaware of the importance of this game. Pardew will have Charlton fired up and they have Bent and Young back in the side. After the two week break I am unsure how we will line up with Reo Coker and Spector both suspended. I expect Dailly to play at right back. As regular readers will know, I’m a big fan of Mark Noble and I think he would give us the fire in midfield that we need. This is the side I’d like to see…

Green
Ferdinand
Davenport
Konchesky (fat chance)
Paintsil
Benayoun
Etherington
Noble
Quashie
Tevez
Zamora

However, I suspect Boa Morte will play instead of Etherington and Dailly instead of Paintsil. However, if Upson is fit, Ferdinand could return to right back. Come on you Irons!

Money Can’t Buy…

What is about football players and addictions? The papers today are full of Matthew Etherington’s gambling problems. Roy Carroll’s are already well known. I suppose it is proof the the saying that money cannot buy happiness. Maybe it’s just as well I have never been in a position to find out!

Carlos Tevez also has a pop at Alan Pardew in The Sun, saying that they barely exchanged a word. He said it was clear that Pardew never wanted him and Mascherano at the club, but it is very different under Curbishley. Well you could have fooled me…

Could Magnusson Sue Terence Brown?

The News of the World reports today that West Ham face being docked six points over the Tevez/Mascherano player registrations. If this is true, apart from being a disaster and consigning us to relegation, it also raises some interesting legal issues. It would not surprise me if Eggert Magnusson sued Terence Brown for non disclosure of the problem. If you think about how much it will cost Magnusson if we’re relegated we could be talking big money here.

Carlos Tevez’s Best Position

Has anyone noticed that despite being a striker, Carlos Tevez seems to play very deep? Indeed, he seems to be more comfortable on one of the wings than playing through the middle. I’d like to see him play on the left hand side of midfield or playing in the hole behind two strikers possibly. There’s little doubt that he has huge talent – it’s a case of where it is best deployed.

Whatever happens, we have to change the team for the Charlton game as Spector and Reo Coker are suspended and Neill is injured. Upson will hopefully be fit. I’d like Paintsil to come in rather than Dailly at right back and Noble should come in for Reo Coker. Bet he doesn’t though.

Arsenal FC: An Apology

In the past, and in common with many other supporters of a certain East End football club, I have seen Arsenal Football Club as the enemy. Your very name provoked vicious outpourings of hatred. Ten minutes ago you had committed the ultimate sin and contrived to lose to Wigan. I was shouting at my television along the lines of “Arsene Wenger, you’re a ******* ******”. One minute ago I realised I was wrong. By beating Wigan 2-1, coming back from 1-0 down with ten minutes to go, you are our potential saviours. I would like to personally apologise for every word I have said about your august Club and its fine players. I thank you.

Top Ten Reasons You Know When Things Are Bad at West Ham

1. Javier Mascherano recalled from Liverpool
2. Eggert Magnusson replaces the Biscuit Tin with Factory rejects
3. Alan Curbishley says “three points are not enough”
4. Trevor Brooking prepares to save the club again
5. Roeder tells West Ham: “Come and get me”
6. Curbishley actually gives Mark Noble a game
7. Jimmy Walker replaces Robert Green in goal
8. Marlon Harewood can be arsed to head the ball
9. Nigel Quashie is dropped
10. Curbishley says to Konchesky: “I’m playing you on Saturday”

Watford Reflections

Yesterday was a truly shite day. I had to make a political speech in the morning which went very badly, then I got stuck in traffic ourside Twickenham as I had forgotten the rugby was on. While stuck in traffic I nearly ran out of petrol. I just made it to a garage as the car started to splutter. Got to Upton Park at 2.25 after a hair-raising drive through London. So I really knew that the writing was on the wall for us. What I didn’t bargain for was that the writing would be in such large print!

When Watford’s penalty was awarded I truly thought Wiley had given a goal kick. Error Number one. And it went downhill from there. There wasn’t a single flash of inspiration from anyone in the first half. The defence looked all over the place, with Calum Davenport resembling a ballerina on ice who hadn’t brought her shoes along. Lucas Neill looked half a stone overweight before he went off and Anton just ambled about like a thoroughbread race horse looking for a mare to shag.

The midfield were better, with Yossi always looking a potential threat. In the second half he went on several mazy runs which deserved better than they received – which was zero. Nigel Reo Coker was at times powerful in midfield and Matthew Etherington, although hahazed, showed signs he is getting back to form. Quashie was also better in the second half with some tough tackled and a couple of long range shots.

Up front in the first half we were as bad as I have seen all season. But I would have taken Harewood off rather than Zamora. At least Carlos would have then taken the penalty and become the hero of Upton Park. His play was superb in the second half, always threatening and always dangerous. But he played too deep, a subject I will return to tomorrow.

Yesterday was the first time I have really looked into the abyss. The points gap now is getting very wide indeed. I still think Wigan are in danger, but you’d have to say that barring a catastrophic loss of form, all the teams above them look relatively safe. Anyway, here are the scores on the doors from yesterday.

Green 7
Neill 5 sub Spector 5
Ferdinand 5
Davenport 5
McCartney 6
Reo Coker 7
Quashie 6
Benayoun 8
Etherington 6
Harewood 4
Zamora 5
Tevez 8
Boa Morte (sub) 5

Watford Preview

Reports suggest that Green, Etherington and Harewood will return in place of Carroll, Boa Morte (there is a God) and Kepa. I agree with them all! Now there’s a first. We need to get at them from the off and play a high tempo passing game.

The Olympic Stadium Fallout

Although the club have said we will not be moving to the Olympic Stadium, I am not sure we have heard the last of this. A 25,000 athletics stadium will be a complete white elephant. I wouldn’t mind betting that within the next twelve months the Government will come back to Eggert Magnusson saying that they have had a rethink, and look, this is how it could work. Magnusson seems determined that we should move out of Upton Park. I suppose we have to view these things without sentiment, but I have to admit I would take a lot of persuading that this was a good idea.

Every Cloud…

Should your Tott supporting friends take the piss out of you for supporting a team third from bottom of the league you might ask them to compare and contrast these two facts…

West Ham 1 Man U 0
Tottscum 0 Man U 4

Ha Ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha

A Message from Bonnie Tyler

Forgot to upload this little message from Bonnie Tyler. Click HERE. Recorded before the Liverpool game in the Carlsberg lounge… Apologies for the crap quality!

Dad, I Think I’ll Support Tottscum

I went to a family do last night. The wife’s cousins are mad Hammers fans. One of the kids said at dinner the other day “If West Ham go down I think I will start supporting Tottenham”. His Dad said “You will not be living here anymore”.

The boy is ten.

Top man. Call Social Services. It’s the only language the little bugger will understand.

Villa Preview

For some strange reason I feel optimistic about this afternoon. Maybe it’s because I’m in Devon, the sun is shining and God is in her heaven (as Gyles Brandreth used to say on a radio show I used to do with him on LBC…). But I digress. Villa are going through a bad patch – they also have new players to integrate (Carew and Young) and we often get a result there. I remember going there in the mid 1990s and seeing us win. If I remember rightly John Moncur hit a screamer. I was sitting among Villa fans and couldn’t help myself. Luckily I didn;t get lynched. Here’s how I expect us to line up…

Carroll, Upson, Davenport, McCartney, Spector, Benayoun, Reo Coker, Boa Morte, Quashie, Zamora, Harewood

I’d like to see Boa Morte and Carroll replaced but I’m sure it won’t happen. You might also expect to see Kepa Blanco start but it seems he hasn’t played much for a month and is not fully fit, so I expect he’ll make another sub appearance.

Prediction: a narrow win for us. I’ll go and lie down now.

Obscure Hammers Facts No 1

West Ham is the only football team to be mentioned in JK Rowling’s Harry Potter books. One of her friends is a fan, apparently.

What’s Our Best Starting Eleven?

It’s a sad day. No more transfer rumours to gossip about until May. What on earth will I talk about on this blog now?! I’m sure I’ll think of something…

The signing of Matthew Upson is a good one. Sure we paid over the odds, but he is an England international after all. He ought to be the first name on the teamsheet for the rest of the season. I reckon Anton and Danny are going to have a tough time getting back in. It certainly puts the pressure on Calum Davenport to perform.

It’s a little odd that no players were offloaded. Or have I missed something? We now have such a huge squad that it will be impossible to keep them all happy.

For what it is worth, this is what I reckon our strongest starting lineup is.

Robert Green
Lucas Neill
Paul Konchesky
Matthew Upson
Danny Gabbidon
Yossi Benayoun
Nigel Reo Coker
Mark Noble
Lee Bowyer
Carlos Tevez
Dean Ashton

However, more importantly this is probably Curbishley’s first choice

Roy Carroll
Lucas Neill
George McCartney
Matthew Upson
Calum Davenport
Nigel Quashie
Luis Boa Morte
Nigel Reo Coker
Yossi Benayoun
Dean Ashton
Marlon Harewood

What do you reckon?

Thank You For Visiting

I started this blog only 25 days ago. Since then 22,311 of you have visited, almost 1,000 a day. I’ve posted 76 times, an average of three a day. I have to admit that when I started the blog in the aftermath of the Brighton game I thought it might attract 100 a day at most. So thanks for visiting and I hope it will get even better in February. Perhaps in a few months it will rival my OTHER BLOG, which got 171,980 unique visitors this month. But then again, it might not.

If you have any tips for me as to what you would like to see more of, or less of, please do leave a comment.

Cass Pennant Reads This Blog

By the way, Cass Pennant reads this blog. Just thought you’d want to know. Just in case you thought of slagging it off. Best not.

PS. How do I know this? The nice Viv at the Newham Bookshop told me yesterday just before the Liverpool game. Always worth a visit. Just on the corner of Barking Road and Green Street. Great selection of Hammers books. There, happy Viv?!